1
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:29,899
Suppose this grass is damp.

2
00:00:29,900 --> 00:00:31,719
You'll get a soggy behind.

3
00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:33,639
Ah, sit thee down!

4
00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,659
The bottom's waterproof, in't it?

5
00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:39,219
True. Otherwise cups of tea
would come straight through.

6
00:00:39,220 --> 00:00:40,899
You can't be too careful.

7
00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:43,319
I've seen men delirious
with jungle fever.

8
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:45,399
'Ey up, we're off again.

9
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,460
Him and Errol Flynn in Burma.

10
00:00:57,580 --> 00:01:01,699
Not much jungle round here
till you get nearly to Leeds.

11
00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:06,079
I'd like to see you lot trying
to make a camp in a mango swamp.

12
00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:09,059
Hardship?
You don't know what hardship is.

13
00:01:09,060 --> 00:01:11,780
But you're going to
tell us, aren't you?

14
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:25,319
Bad for the poetic vision
is the fear of lumbago.

15
00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:31,479
We ought to swear an oath to be
loyal to each other and reckless of damp grass for as long as we can.

16
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:34,439
Why don't we swear it in blood? His.

17
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,939
I've had enough of that
from you at school.

18
00:01:36,940 --> 00:01:40,179
I remember your oath-taking
ceremonies, you evil little monkey.

19
00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:41,839
Talk about Mau Mau!

20
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:44,479
What I want to know is what you
thought were likely to be

21
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:48,899
the magical properties of blood,
ink, spit and cocoa.

22
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:51,319
It made thee keep thy distance,
though, didn't it?

23
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:55,019
Wouldn't it be sad if you woke up
and looked at a summer's day

24
00:01:55,020 --> 00:01:58,939
and your only thought was,
"Oh, dear, what now?

25
00:01:58,940 --> 00:02:01,739
"Do I take one of me vests off?"

26
00:02:01,740 --> 00:02:04,460
♪ Dee dee-dee-dee, dee-dee...

27
00:02:08,980 --> 00:02:10,679
How do, lads?

28
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,540
Have you seen a canoe? What colour?

29
00:02:32,980 --> 00:02:34,480
What colour!

30
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,960
Name's Arnpepper.

31
00:02:54,980 --> 00:02:58,699
Very heavy. Are you sure
it's not an unconverted trawler?

32
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:00,659
He's a right wag, is Cyril.

33
00:03:00,660 --> 00:03:02,879
Oh, put your back into it.

34
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:06,039
It's like being inside
a wooden submarine.

35
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:09,459
Well, will you take your
periscope out of me ribs?!

36
00:03:09,460 --> 00:03:14,519
Well, lads, that's just what
we needed - a brisk walk up a hill carrying a lifeboat.

37
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:16,799
Are you sure his legs
are touching t'ground?

38
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,999
Right, swing her astern
round to port.

39
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:20,859
You'll have half a bit of meself.

40
00:03:20,860 --> 00:03:22,379
Gently.

41
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:47,079
I was going to do 30 miles a day,
come out at the Humber, turn left,

42
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,799
and go up the east coast
as far as Whitby. What happened?

43
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,799
I fell out!

44
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,959
Well, they're not stable.

45
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,999
How far had you come? A good
three miles before it happened.

46
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:02,679
What I can't understand
is how the hell you came to be called Arnpepper.

47
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,059
You've never heard of it, have you?

48
00:04:05,060 --> 00:04:07,559
Nobody else has either,
but they're going to.

49
00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,699
You're going to put it
on the map, are you? I am.

50
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:13,239
I'm pig sick of being a nonentity.

51
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,259
It's got to stop. I can sympathise.

52
00:04:16,260 --> 00:04:21,899
I can understand the feeling of
talent unrecognised and superiority unrewarded.

53
00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:24,419
But what can you do about it, eh?

54
00:04:24,420 --> 00:04:27,399
I don't care what.
I'll have a go at owt.

55
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,979
Do you realise that my family
goes back for donkey's years?

56
00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:33,899
And they've all been useless heaps.

57
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:37,699
Have you ever heard of a famous
Arnpepper? Have you hell as like.

58
00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:42,439
We've never even heard of
an Arnpepper nobody's ever heard of.

59
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:47,479
We had a bloke called Killigrew
in our mob during t'war.

60
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,579
Oh, how very interesting.

61
00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:52,419
Very much to the point, I'm sure.

62
00:04:52,420 --> 00:04:55,239
What a wonderful sense
of stupidity he's got.

63
00:04:55,240 --> 00:05:00,299
Well, I thought that were a very
funny name, you know, Killigrew.

64
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,719
Oh, gawd.

65
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,999
You see, me first target
is the Guinness Book of Records.

66
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,619
But you don't know
where you are wi' them.

67
00:05:08,620 --> 00:05:12,939
I set to one weekend and scoffed 14
pounds of brawn and six of haslet,

68
00:05:12,940 --> 00:05:14,839
and they wouldn't even consider it.

69
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:17,679
You great gannet! What happened?

70
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,460
Oh, don't ask.

71
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,199
I daredn't leave the bathroom
until the following Wednesday.

72
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,599
And the wife went
back to her mother's.

73
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:29,439
Even then it weren't worth it.
I was too bad to enjoy it.

74
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,259
You do find 'em, don't you?

75
00:05:37,260 --> 00:05:39,719
'Ey, will you keep your voice down?

76
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:45,579
The rules of civilised behaviour
require that we do not take the Michael out of a complete stranger

77
00:05:45,580 --> 00:05:49,539
unless it is quite clear that
he is both timid and undernourished.

78
00:05:49,540 --> 00:05:52,459
Well, I wish him luck.
I think he might just make it.

79
00:05:52,460 --> 00:05:55,699
We'll be able to say to them in
years to come, "We met Arnpepper."

80
00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:59,439
"Not THE Arnpepper?" they'll say,
and we'll nod smugly.

81
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:00,999
"What was he like?" they'll say.

82
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,340
"Really quite barmy,"
we'll be able to tell 'em.

83
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:09,399
You see, the trouble is finding
your true medium of expression.

84
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,279
It's not haslet and brawn,
I found that out.

85
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:17,599
You see, I was going to let our Wilf
drive over me in a small car, in front of them from Look North.

86
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:21,239
But he can't even hit his own
gate hole. And it's not canoes.

87
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,139
See, I'm not canoe material.

88
00:06:24,140 --> 00:06:27,979
What are you going to do with it,
that canoe?

89
00:06:27,980 --> 00:06:30,259
Take your pace from me.

90
00:06:30,260 --> 00:06:31,980
I've got the helm.

91
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,800
Steady she goes.

92
00:06:39,820 --> 00:06:41,359
Astern.

93
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,599
Take her astern!

94
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,219
I feel like a pantomime horse.

95
00:06:46,220 --> 00:06:48,599
With chips. Come on, hard to port.

96
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:50,759
To port!

97
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:55,159
That's it. I suppose technically
at this point we are a vehicle.

98
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,519
Good, I'm shagged.
Like a proper vehicle.

99
00:06:58,520 --> 00:06:59,920
Mind the window.

100
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,899
Mind the window!

101
00:07:10,980 --> 00:07:13,759
Here, would you mind my paint?

102
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,719
How long have you been
wearing make-up, then?

103
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,699
Ain't no paint on your walls.

104
00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:20,619
It might be plaster, then.

105
00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:24,419
Why not wait until we get inside
and then have your little mutiny?

106
00:07:24,420 --> 00:07:27,499
It's him.
Don't shove it! Don't shove it!

107
00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:29,899
Just ease it gently to starboard.

108
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:33,139
Starboard?! Hark at him! Arrrr!

109
00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:35,499
He thinks he's Long John Plastic.

110
00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:37,099
Forward! Bring it forward!

111
00:07:37,100 --> 00:07:39,059
Eh, where's your parrot, then, eh?

112
00:07:39,060 --> 00:07:40,639
Come forward, then!

113
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:44,619
'Ey, I can lend you one of
me ferrets for your shoulder!

114
00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:48,879
Couldn't we...? I mean,
why don't we just put it down?

115
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:50,699
All right. Move it to larboard.

116
00:07:50,700 --> 00:07:52,459
Who? Backwards, you fool.

117
00:07:52,460 --> 00:07:55,359
Go on, put it down over there. Back.

118
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,019
Go on. Gently does it.
Now, watch it.

119
00:07:58,020 --> 00:08:00,499
Take her astern. On the lee side.

120
00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:02,179
Right, that's it. Gently, now.

121
00:08:02,180 --> 00:08:06,379
Righto, Elsie. Come on then, love.
Right.

122
00:08:06,380 --> 00:08:08,959
Lower it gently. That's it.

123
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,720
Mind me foot. Ah.

124
00:08:12,300 --> 00:08:13,899
Ah, well.

125
00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:17,539
If anybody's going to trip over it,
it might as well be Nora Batty.

126
00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:21,380
No wonder it wouldn't go in,
with Left-handed Ludwig here.

127
00:08:24,620 --> 00:08:28,419
You know, I've always wanted one of
these things bunging up my kitchen.

128
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:32,500
Why my house?
Because it looks most like a shed.

129
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:38,319
You know what we've got now,
don't you? Fags?

130
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:41,579
Total mobility. No fags?

131
00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:44,259
They navigated Canada
in one of these.

132
00:08:44,260 --> 00:08:48,299
Brought coloured beads and plague
to the Eskimos.

133
00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:51,719
The world's going crackers
on wheels, and here we are

134
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:56,179
with the key to thousands of
tranquil miles of British pollution.

135
00:08:56,180 --> 00:08:57,939
Well, Arnpepper didn't think so.

136
00:08:57,940 --> 00:09:00,019
Ah, but Arnpepper was too impetuous.

137
00:09:00,020 --> 00:09:01,639
You've got to have the knack.

138
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:06,199
I mean, look at the way we guided it
through that plate-glass window, eh?

139
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,259
Listen.

140
00:09:08,260 --> 00:09:12,659
Listen. I admit that I'm nobody's
high-octane dream behind a wheel.

141
00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:15,019
Me revs are invariably sloppy.

142
00:09:15,020 --> 00:09:17,559
But even a mechanical idiot
can paddle.

143
00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,939
Now, what we have
just done, gentlemen,

144
00:09:19,940 --> 00:09:26,199
we have just acquired the ideal
form of transport for our situation.

145
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,060
Cast off.

146
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:35,379
Well, it wouldn't do that
in the water, would it?

147
00:09:35,380 --> 00:09:40,119
I mean, you've got to have faith
if we're going to go on our... little expedition.

148
00:09:41,620 --> 00:09:44,080
What little expedition?

149
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:49,919
I mean, look at the possibilities
for a little expedition.

150
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:54,699
Mile after mile of waterway.
We can get drowned almost anywhere.

151
00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:56,659
We can the way you tip it about!

152
00:09:56,660 --> 00:10:01,939
It capsized once on dry land and
straight away you've got me down as a nautical lunatic.

153
00:10:01,940 --> 00:10:06,599
'Ey up, fearless.
If we keep off the canals, the rivers won't come any higher than your...

154
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:09,759
Never mind where they
can't come any higher than.

155
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:13,839
You go and get three cups of tea and
then go and rest your head somewhere.

156
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:15,639
Like a railway line.

157
00:10:17,460 --> 00:10:20,239
He's off again, Long John Plastic.

158
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,679
A-harrrr, Jim lad!

159
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:26,099
Oh, dear, slinging his weight about.

160
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:30,219
You see, even he
recognises it, Cyril. You're a natural for command afloat.

161
00:10:30,220 --> 00:10:34,919
Command, him? He couldn't command
a ruptured rubber duck.

162
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,819
He's only got one asset,
and that's the size of his gob.

163
00:10:37,820 --> 00:10:40,719
Whose gob? His. Oh, his.

164
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,839
'Ey, you talk about mine?

165
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,459
Have you ever seen him eat?

166
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:47,599
He's got a mouth bigger than
the split in t'Labour Party.

167
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,459
Only when I'm hungry.

168
00:10:49,460 --> 00:10:53,459
Aye, he can shift a bit. But me
uncle Wallace, now, he could trough.

169
00:10:53,460 --> 00:10:58,099
'Ey up! I'm only small. I mean,
he were an heavyweight. Be fair.

170
00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:03,379
Don't worry - we've still got faith
in you. I still say pound-for-pound I were a bigger pig than his Wallace.

171
00:11:03,380 --> 00:11:05,699
And you've got my vote. Ta.

172
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:08,839
Oh, well, then, I'm sorry
I said them nasty things just now.

173
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:12,259
That's all right. You can't
hold a candle to our Wallace.

174
00:11:12,260 --> 00:11:15,039
Why, they used to come from all over
just to buy him chips.

175
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,959
That could be said to be an
infringement of his amateur status.

176
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,859
He only does it for his own
enjoyment, don't you? Ha!

177
00:11:21,860 --> 00:11:24,079
He practically stopped
the Rudyards' wedding.

178
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:28,959
At the reception,
everything went quiet and they all just stood and watched.

179
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,939
Oh, stop moaning on
behind that counter.

180
00:11:31,940 --> 00:11:34,679
He don't half
sling the fanny about, don't he?

181
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:39,299
They've got the only wedding album
I know of that doesn't show the bride and groom cutting the cake.

182
00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:41,999
Shows our Wallace taking first bite.

183
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:46,359
Hark at him! I tell thee,
if it comes to the biggest gob, he's got to be a contender.

184
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:47,939
Who, me?

185
00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:50,759
Right, contestants
will come to order.

186
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:55,039
Eh? A great challenge, having been
issued, contestants for the title

187
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:59,859
of Mouth of the Century will compete
in the centre of the ring. Hey, hey!

188
00:11:59,860 --> 00:12:01,459
How are we going to decide it?

189
00:12:01,460 --> 00:12:04,919
By who opens the widest. Er...

190
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:11,759
Calculated on a scientific basis
by how much space remains around the edges of a meat pie

191
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,940
when inserted in said mouth.

192
00:12:15,020 --> 00:12:18,519
I concede.
Oh, sit down, Joey Brown.

193
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:22,819
Now, listen, Norm,
don't you let him kid you that his is smaller than it is.

194
00:12:22,820 --> 00:12:26,539
I am not staying here
if we're only using one meat pie.

195
00:12:26,540 --> 00:12:29,719
Sidney, I want two more
identical meat pies.

196
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:32,579
They're all identical.
I've got a reputation in this street

197
00:12:32,580 --> 00:12:35,279
Aye, I've heard one or two rumours
outside of it and all.

198
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:39,119
Who's paying for these? Loser pays,
one with the smallest mouth.

199
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:42,719
That should encourage
you all to try. Wait a minute, we've got to have names.

200
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:47,859
He's Mr Mouth, he's Mighty Mouth,
and I am... Oddgob. Olympic rules.

201
00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:51,319
Judge's decision is final.

202
00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:53,699
Now, on the command "go",

203
00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:58,599
you throw back your heads, open your
mouths wide and, with one graceful,

204
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,699
athletic motion,
half insert your pie.

205
00:13:01,700 --> 00:13:06,219
Anybody who scoffs his pie off
straight away is disqualified.

206
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:07,659
Any questions?

207
00:13:07,660 --> 00:13:10,379
Yes, Oddgob. Can we put
any mustard on it?

208
00:13:10,380 --> 00:13:12,719
No, you cannot put
any mustard on it, Oddgob.

209
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:18,199
Now, I don't want any elbowing
or pinching. Let's have a good clean fight, gentlemen.

210
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:24,599
And the winner will receive the
Norman Clegg alloy spoon for mouth manoeuvres and will be entitled

211
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:30,839
for the period of one calendar year
to the honorary form of address, namely Hey You, Big Mouth.

212
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,399
Take your pies in your right hand.

213
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:36,260
On your marks, get set...

214
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:38,300
..go!

215
00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:48,180
What the hell are you doing now, you
great hunk of stuffed bird brain?!

216
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:53,259
Look at you. You're not right
in the head. Have you gone bananas?

217
00:13:53,260 --> 00:13:55,179
You have, haven't you?
You've snapped.

218
00:13:55,180 --> 00:13:57,759
You're going the same way
as your Auntie Connie.

219
00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,499
There's nowt wrong
with me Auntie Connie.

220
00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:03,219
Oh, there were once she come
out of the wash house. She's shy.

221
00:14:03,220 --> 00:14:09,959
Look at you, three grown men sitting
there with your mouths open, like three stupid ashtrays.

222
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,499
Have you done with them pies?
They're not paid for yet.

223
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:17,539
Oh, well, then, they should be. You
don't think I slave away back there so you can pretend you're Oxfam.

224
00:14:17,540 --> 00:14:22,559
It's all right. I'll get 'em.
Oh, look at it! The Aga Khan!

225
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,799
Well, the Aga bloody can't,
so pack it in!

226
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,359
You know we're saving up
for that mobile chip van.

227
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,719
Now, put these chairs straight.
What's that map doing on that table?

228
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:35,759
Get this floor swept, you wipe the
counter. Pull down those windows.

229
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:42,240
It's with great pleasure, Ivy, that
I present you with the Norman Clegg alloy spoon for mouth manoeuvres.

230
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,400
Get out!

231
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:53,164
They're not paid for!

232
00:15:01,784 --> 00:15:05,023
Well, fine, fresh morning, Norman.

233
00:15:05,024 --> 00:15:06,963
I think we shall have wind later.

234
00:15:06,964 --> 00:15:10,684
You're looking very north face
of the Eiger this morning, Cyril.

235
00:15:12,284 --> 00:15:16,684
I would never take anybody
into strange country without the proper equipment.

236
00:15:25,264 --> 00:15:31,643
I don't know why we couldn't
have made an afternoon of it, have a steady paddle somewhere.

237
00:15:31,644 --> 00:15:34,823
I can see that we are going to
have trouble with the lower deck.

238
00:15:34,824 --> 00:15:40,403
Well, I like to get up
about opening time and savour my advantages over the working class.

239
00:15:40,404 --> 00:15:44,083
What's the good of being unemployed
and having to get up at this hour?

240
00:15:44,084 --> 00:15:46,543
The spirit that made
our nation great, you see.

241
00:15:46,544 --> 00:15:49,823
If we'd been like him we wouldn't
have colonised the Isle of Wight.

242
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:52,423
Well, not until about
dinner time, anyway.

243
00:15:52,424 --> 00:15:54,303
Now, then.

244
00:15:54,304 --> 00:15:59,643
I have planned a route
that shows a variety of conditions.

245
00:15:59,644 --> 00:16:02,803
Among which "exhaustion"
springs instantly to mind.

246
00:16:02,804 --> 00:16:05,823
Oh, no, no. Not as far as it looks.

247
00:16:05,824 --> 00:16:09,943
I must say, your finger
looks surprisingly fresh. Eh?

248
00:16:09,944 --> 00:16:12,723
'Ey, what about paddling uphill?
Uphill?!

249
00:16:12,724 --> 00:16:16,083
Well, you know what I mean - the
opposite way to how you freewheel.

250
00:16:16,084 --> 00:16:17,983
Freewheel!

251
00:16:17,984 --> 00:16:23,403
Listen, I want you to promise me
one thing, that you'll keep your mouth shut if we meet any sailors.

252
00:16:23,404 --> 00:16:25,964
Oh, don't worry, ducky.
They're all yours.

253
00:16:30,764 --> 00:16:34,203
First thing we want
is some wheels on this thing.

254
00:16:34,204 --> 00:16:36,183
Oh, will you keep in step?

255
00:16:36,184 --> 00:16:38,843
You're doing most of your
walking up the back of my legs.

256
00:16:38,844 --> 00:16:41,563
I can't see where your legs
are going!

257
00:16:41,564 --> 00:16:43,963
This is a mug's game, this is.

258
00:16:43,964 --> 00:16:49,823
On a day like this, they'll be
saying, "Why have those three fellows got that umbrella up?"

259
00:16:49,824 --> 00:16:52,363
Kindly keep an eye on Shorthouse.

260
00:16:52,364 --> 00:16:54,483
We don't want any passengers.

261
00:16:54,484 --> 00:16:56,523
I could get used to canoeing.

262
00:16:56,524 --> 00:16:58,303
It's no worse than malaria.

263
00:16:58,304 --> 00:16:59,924
It wears your cap out!

264
00:17:02,324 --> 00:17:06,483
Now, just a sharp flick
with both rudders.

265
00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:09,463
Don't you lay a finger on me!

266
00:17:09,464 --> 00:17:11,283
Mobility, you see.

267
00:17:11,284 --> 00:17:13,844
You couldn't go through here
with a cabin cruiser.

268
00:17:17,564 --> 00:17:21,023
No, no, no, no, look. Wait!
Wait for me!

269
00:17:21,024 --> 00:17:23,783
Oh, come on! Right.

270
00:17:23,784 --> 00:17:25,244
That's it.

271
00:17:31,304 --> 00:17:34,303
Look.
Why don't you go on without me?

272
00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:35,764
I'll bring my end on later.

273
00:17:43,644 --> 00:17:46,004
I think we've struck a rock!

274
00:17:47,704 --> 00:17:52,183
I don't know why it should be my
destiny to have for a crew

275
00:17:52,184 --> 00:17:57,983
a pair of left-handed
barnyard-footed, ham-fisted, swivel-brained idiots.

276
00:17:57,984 --> 00:17:59,884
Well, nobody's perfect!

277
00:18:08,224 --> 00:18:11,264
All right. Lower it down.
That does it.

278
00:18:12,864 --> 00:18:15,863
Forward. Push the bottom!

279
00:18:15,864 --> 00:18:17,963
Hold it.

280
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:22,723
Now, then.
When I say the word, I want you to give it a good shove off.

281
00:18:22,724 --> 00:18:24,703
Now!

282
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:27,563
Oh, you dozy great plebs!

283
00:18:27,564 --> 00:18:29,283
What did you go and do that for?

284
00:18:29,284 --> 00:18:31,003
You said shove off!

285
00:18:31,004 --> 00:18:34,143
Only till she floated.
I didn't say let go.

286
00:18:34,144 --> 00:18:36,223
Well, you let go!

287
00:18:36,224 --> 00:18:38,603
I was watching her bottom.

288
00:18:38,604 --> 00:18:40,503
I can't see to everything!

289
00:18:40,504 --> 00:18:43,063
Of all the dozy things to do.

290
00:18:43,064 --> 00:18:44,623
How could you do it?

291
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:47,344
It was easy. We just went shove.

292
00:18:52,244 --> 00:18:55,143
Don't just sit there.
How are we going to get it back?

293
00:18:55,144 --> 00:18:58,483
Whistle it. You're a figure of
authority. You'll have to wade in.

294
00:18:58,484 --> 00:19:00,223
You can get nautically knotted!

295
00:19:00,224 --> 00:19:03,623
You have the wellies on!
They've got holes in!

296
00:19:03,624 --> 00:19:07,723
I wondered why you
wore them in the summer.

297
00:19:07,724 --> 00:19:10,763
I'm surrounded by inefficiency!

298
00:19:10,764 --> 00:19:12,224
And nettles.

299
00:19:15,004 --> 00:19:18,384
Get that corner, you dozy pillock!
Catch it there!

300
00:19:25,184 --> 00:19:28,023
Do you think
he's doing this right?

301
00:19:28,024 --> 00:19:30,983
I think he must be,
he's keeping dry.

302
00:19:30,984 --> 00:19:33,643
Trouble is,
he's got deformed, short arms!

303
00:19:33,644 --> 00:19:36,723
Remind me in future to surround
meself only by people

304
00:19:36,724 --> 00:19:39,863
who conform to t'standards
of the Brigade of Guards.

305
00:19:39,864 --> 00:19:41,304
Come on!

306
00:19:52,344 --> 00:19:54,703
Tha knows I don't like heights!

307
00:19:54,704 --> 00:19:57,323
Don't worry, we'll be
dropping you in a minute.

308
00:19:57,324 --> 00:20:00,143
It ain't much good, him hearing me.

309
00:20:00,144 --> 00:20:03,743
He ain't even got his bloody
glasses on. You'll be all right.

310
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:06,683
I won't be as all right
down there as you are up here!

311
00:20:06,684 --> 00:20:12,363
You will. By the time
we've lowered you, your feet will be nearly touching the damn thing.

312
00:20:12,364 --> 00:20:15,124
And if you miss, nobody's
going to shout at you.

313
00:20:19,904 --> 00:20:23,123
Now, go careful! Careful!

314
00:20:23,124 --> 00:20:27,763
Stop wriggling! You're scraping me
back along this bridge!

315
00:20:27,764 --> 00:20:31,243
Keep still! We're doing
all the work.

316
00:20:31,244 --> 00:20:34,223
All you've got to do is
dangle down there and enjoy it.

317
00:20:34,224 --> 00:20:37,203
Ooh... Ooh, dear.
I've split me trousers!

318
00:20:37,204 --> 00:20:41,043
Just keep your eye on the ball,
if you'll pardon the expression!

319
00:20:41,044 --> 00:20:43,583
Steady, now! Keep still!

320
00:20:43,584 --> 00:20:46,843
Here she comes.
Now, drop him on the count of three.

321
00:20:46,844 --> 00:20:50,023
One! I'm packing in! I resign!

322
00:20:50,024 --> 00:20:52,863
I demand a recount! Two!

323
00:20:52,864 --> 00:20:56,604
It's the simple pleasures
that are best. Three! Aaaaah!

324
00:20:58,464 --> 00:21:00,984
You fool! You missed!

325
00:21:03,424 --> 00:21:09,383
You great pair of knitting-headed,
flannel-footed, twisted-headed...

326
00:21:16,724 --> 00:21:20,123
I told you you were
scraping me along that bridge!

327
00:21:20,124 --> 00:21:22,264
You've ruined my complexion.

328
00:21:24,064 --> 00:21:26,503
Well, I wouldn't say that.

329
00:21:26,504 --> 00:21:29,144
It still looks
better than your face.

330
00:21:31,424 --> 00:21:35,263
And look at this.
Oh, me shirt's all wet.

331
00:21:35,264 --> 00:21:38,543
Well, you don't expect to go
canoeing and not get wet, do you?

332
00:21:38,544 --> 00:21:42,163
That's like trying to have
a honeymoon by telephone.

333
00:21:42,164 --> 00:21:43,743
I notice you're still dry!

334
00:21:43,744 --> 00:21:46,183
We haven't started yet.

335
00:21:46,184 --> 00:21:51,483
But we shall all be
kitted out properly with suitable equipment for the job.

336
00:21:51,484 --> 00:21:53,523
This man thinks of everything.

337
00:21:53,524 --> 00:21:56,983
Our clothing, meanwhile,
will be stowed

338
00:21:56,984 --> 00:22:03,443
in waterproof plastic containers,
and ride in the boat perfectly dry.

339
00:22:03,444 --> 00:22:05,983
Do I hear cries of,
"This man is a genius"?

340
00:22:05,984 --> 00:22:07,583
What...

341
00:22:07,584 --> 00:22:10,203
suitable equipment, Cyril?

342
00:22:10,204 --> 00:22:12,584
Leave it all to Father.

343
00:22:24,204 --> 00:22:29,063
Hey, how long have you had
these swimming costumes? They've been all over the world, these.

344
00:22:29,064 --> 00:22:32,243
Well, mine's a bit tight
round the Cape of Good Hope.

345
00:22:32,244 --> 00:22:36,463
Listen, Cyril, we're not going
anywhere we're likely to be seen?

346
00:22:36,464 --> 00:22:39,223
No, we're to be miles
off the beaten track.

347
00:22:39,224 --> 00:22:41,104
Come along, then.

348
00:22:42,164 --> 00:22:45,363
Now then, when I say lift,

349
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:47,223
I want you all to lift.

350
00:22:47,224 --> 00:22:49,043
OK, ready? Yeah. Yeah.

351
00:22:49,044 --> 00:22:51,643
Lift! That's it. Up she goes.

352
00:22:51,644 --> 00:22:53,843
Lower her gently.

353
00:22:53,844 --> 00:22:55,924
Forward, now. Steady pace.

354
00:22:56,984 --> 00:23:00,684
Do you think the Almighty
really sees everything?

355
00:23:01,724 --> 00:23:03,084
Keep moving.

356
00:23:09,844 --> 00:23:12,903
Wait! Board it gently.

357
00:23:12,904 --> 00:23:16,803
Don't pounce on it. You're not
strangling one of your ferrets.

358
00:23:16,804 --> 00:23:18,763
I don't strangle me ferrets.

359
00:23:18,764 --> 00:23:21,823
Well, I didn't till I put this
damn thing on.

360
00:23:21,824 --> 00:23:24,223
Go on, get in and sit down.

361
00:23:24,224 --> 00:23:28,723
Are you driving?
I shall steer from the rear. Oh, you mean where you brains are?

362
00:23:28,724 --> 00:23:32,304
You're best amidships, Clegg. Oh,
it's kind of you to say so, Cyril.

363
00:23:37,224 --> 00:23:39,664
Righto. Hold tight, now. OK.

364
00:23:47,984 --> 00:23:54,004
The nearest you'll get to Cambridge
is a day trip. Ha-ha-bloody-ha.

365
00:23:56,584 --> 00:24:01,003
Oh, this is idyllic.
Worse than work.

366
00:24:01,004 --> 00:24:04,943
That's right, squeeze the last
drop of enjoyment out of it.

367
00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:08,443
Little pillock.
Have you no soul, man?

368
00:24:08,444 --> 00:24:10,463
Doesn't this mean anything to you?

369
00:24:10,464 --> 00:24:12,403
Don't you feel... A right twit?

370
00:24:12,404 --> 00:24:14,323
Oh, don't you start!

371
00:24:14,324 --> 00:24:16,603
Am I surrounded by the uncultured?

372
00:24:16,604 --> 00:24:18,963
I don't feel natural undressed.

373
00:24:18,964 --> 00:24:20,783
That is natural!

374
00:24:20,784 --> 00:24:23,323
Not for a lad from
Arbitration Street.

375
00:24:23,324 --> 00:24:25,343
I want my jacket on.

376
00:24:25,344 --> 00:24:27,283
I've got no place to put me fags.

377
00:24:27,284 --> 00:24:31,303
Well, nowhere where
I feel comfortable. Get some sun on your flesh, man.

378
00:24:31,304 --> 00:24:34,523
I was like a young bronzed gazelle
in the Far East.

379
00:24:34,524 --> 00:24:38,083
So what? They're only
like long-legged ferrets.

380
00:24:38,084 --> 00:24:40,103
We're not bronzed, Cyril.

381
00:24:40,104 --> 00:24:42,963
We're more like three
plastic bottles of milk.

382
00:24:42,964 --> 00:24:45,484
And who is going to see us out here?

383
00:24:51,624 --> 00:24:58,064
Hey! Look! It's the Bluebell Girls!
Hey, who's got their handbag with them?!

384
00:25:00,444 --> 00:25:01,924
Hello, sailor!

385
00:25:28,724 --> 00:25:31,143
Wait! Hold it.

386
00:25:31,144 --> 00:25:35,603
Now, don't get out
until you've got a firm grip

387
00:25:35,604 --> 00:25:37,064
of this rope.

388
00:25:56,784 --> 00:25:59,904
Hey, have you got
a firm grip of that rope?

389
00:26:01,344 --> 00:26:03,484
Aye. Ah, OK.

390
00:26:37,404 --> 00:26:41,463
And the fool got hold
of the wrong rope! It was thee that give it to me!

391
00:26:41,464 --> 00:26:45,023
I bet you dropped it and slopped it,
you potty little herbert.

392
00:26:45,024 --> 00:26:49,683
Let's face it, when it all
boils down, you're just an incompetent great boghole.

393
00:26:49,684 --> 00:26:52,723
No, no, no. Credit where it's due.

394
00:26:52,724 --> 00:26:57,083
It's entirely due to Cyril
that our clothes are still dry.

395
00:26:57,084 --> 00:27:00,603
The fact that they're floating
halfway to Bridlington by now...

396
00:27:00,604 --> 00:27:04,563
All we have to do
is to catch a boat. It's not flowing that fast, is it?

397
00:27:04,564 --> 00:27:07,383
How did we win in Burma?
He must have been on leave.

398
00:27:07,384 --> 00:27:10,604
We never had any leave, our lot.
We was doing the real fighting.

399
00:27:12,184 --> 00:27:15,764
What, Royal chuffing Signals?
Chindit, you little hobgoblin!

400
00:27:17,004 --> 00:27:20,443
This lad here
penetrated, single-handed,

401
00:27:20,444 --> 00:27:23,803
the defences of some of the toughest
unmarried mothers

402
00:27:23,804 --> 00:27:27,083
in Number 6 Sanitary Depot,
Macclesfield, didn't you?

403
00:27:27,084 --> 00:27:30,004
Aye. Come on, we haven't got all day.

404
00:27:31,084 --> 00:27:33,624
That was the very password he used.

405
00:28:07,544 --> 00:28:12,883
All right, Lord Nelson, is that
a rubber dinghy you've got inside your costume or a spare tyre?

406
00:28:12,884 --> 00:28:15,623
All right, don't panic!

407
00:28:15,624 --> 00:28:20,923
If we're going to have to go home
dressed like this, I'll lead you back a quiet way.

408
00:28:20,924 --> 00:28:22,424
Come on.

409
00:28:23,645 --> 00:29:24,255
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410
00:29:24,305 --> 00:29:28,855
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